911 Is A Joke - by Duran Duran
Who better to cover a song about the failings of the 911 emergency medical response system for inner city people, than...DURAN DURAN! I'm all for a group doing adventurous covers if they can pull it off, but their version of the Public Enemy classic (which is basically a Flavor Flav solo song, which makes it even more ridiculous for them to sing), is just flat out silly. The song comes from an entire album of covers they did called "Thank You" which is absolute crap from start to finish. The Durans were very good at the fun pop dance stuff they're famous for, but watching them flounder over songs so clearly out of their league like "Take You Higher", "Lay Lady Lady", and the inexplicable choice of Grandmaster Flash's "White Lines" is enough to make you want to actually listen to "Seven and the Ragged Tiger" instead.
I Love Rock and Roll" by Britney Spears
Talk about ironic covers. Britney expressing her love for Rock and Roll is akin to Stryper covering Iron Maiden's "Number of the Beast". From her lame "is this thing on" intro, to music accompaniment that has all the rock an 80s Casio keyboard can offer, this whole thing is a giant mistake. Does Britney even know what a jukebox is, let alone a dime? Your guess is as good as mine what these guys holding guitars in the video are even doing.
Piece of My Heart - by Faith Hill
Great job taking a song by one of the all time kick ass great rock vocalists and turning it into a sugar coated commercial for some new wonder drug. Is Faith Hill really even a country singer? She's pretty much just Amy Grant with a cowboy hat. I'd pay good money to watch Loretta Lynn, Tanya Tucker, and Dolly Parton beat the crap out of her. But I'd pay good money to see them beat up anyway, for that matter. Are you reading this Don King?
Downtown Train - by Rod Stewart
How could you take this cool gravelly Tom Waits classic and turn it into this empty piece of crap? I received no less than 30 emails from retroCRUSH readers begging to punish Rod for this sinful cover. I'm sure Waits had said that he would have never even recorded this had he known that Rod was going to wipe his ass with it like this. Hell, you can also throw every single one of Rod Stewarts cover songs in here as well, because they all suck so bad. What the hell happened to that guy? In the '70s and '80s he actually had some pretty good songs, but he turned into the total sell out whore with these bullshit "American Classics" collections that are so schmaltzy they'd put Wayne Newtwon to shame. Rod...take a few years off and just record an album of all original stuff again. Either that, or just be happy with your endless supply of hot young model wives that you won in a bet with the devil.
The Greatest Love of All - by Kevin Rowland
I couldn't dare put a list of 100 Worst Covers together without consulting Brian Ibbot who has produced more than 330 episodes (and counting) of Coverville, one of the coolest and most popular podcasts on the internet. He recommended Kevin Rowland's (of Dexy's Midnight Runner's fame), absolutely batshit insane and unlistenable take on Whitney Houston's hit "The Greatest Love of All".
Ring of Fire - by Olivia Newton John
Let me make it clear that I still have a super crush on Olivia Newton-John, and it pains me to speak ill of her, which should tell you her "Ring of Fire" cover must really suck hard for me to put it on this list. I saw this on iTunes years back and I laughed with a "there's no way in hell she actually recorded that." I wish I didn't let my curiosity get the best of me. Hell, how could this angel who brought us, "Magic", "Hopelessly Devoted To You", and even "Xanadu" (I told you I was a forgiving fan) give us this monstrosity? It's a song of pain and loss and agony that she turns into a goddamn square dance.
Don't Go Breaking My Heart - by ODB and Macy Gray
The original by Elton John and Kiki Dee is good silly fun, and so is this version, but in a completely different way. What was the point of even recording this? Old Dirty Bastard sounds like a drunken Bill Cosby and Macy like some cracked out witch. This is one of those Shatneresque truly awful covers that's so awful you can't help but love it. But they aren't getting any free passes from retroCRUSH, nonetheless.
American Pie - by Madonna
retroCRUSH reader Sara Harris writes, "This song is just pure crap and I love Madonna. I've been a fan of hers since I could walk, but this song almost made me ashamed of being her fan. Making a techno dance track cheapens the message of this song all together." This song also struck quite a chord with our readers, with over 40 suggestions to include it on the list. Personally, I hate the original, too, and think it's one of the most overbearing overrated songs ever recorded, but that doesn't make Madonna's version of excusable. Andrew Stephens added, "I don't normally subscribe to the Madonna Sucks school of thought, but her version of American Pie seems to miss the whole point of the original (and sounds terrible). Unless the idea was to deliberately augment the song's theme by proving that modern music is crap compared to the old stuff, in which case kudos to you Madonna." Anyway, Madonna shouldn't be singing a song called "American Pie" unless it's about her vag.
Behind Blue Eyes - by Limp Bizkit
A tremendous outpouring of hatred from our readers for Durst's shitty version of this Who song, and rightfully so.
"I was always pretty much uncaring of their band. They had the occasional good rock tune that sounded good in the car or in a bar, but this made me want to sacrifice Fred Durst to my God in ways that would make the Mayans flinch." - Robert Spear
"I've already announced my disdain for the bile-fest that is Limp Bizkit, so I should probably leave their attempt at "Behind Blue Eyes" alone. But, dammit, they make it so EASY! Fred Durst is SUCH a brain-dead egomaniac that maybe we should cut him a break for not seeing the irony of the beautiful Who classic - how could this whiny-ass cokehead ever understand a line like "my dreams, they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be?" But no, Fred earns his stripes by 1) putting his own heavily processed but still sad, thin little voice right out front; 2) trying to create false tension with deeply out-of-place synthy noises; 3) that...bridge. Robot voices? Scratching? Wha? 4) NEW FUCKING LYRICS!!! FUCK YOU YOU WORTHLESS CRATER!!!. Well, at least he left out the REAL bridge...can you imagine this douche trying out the words "if I smile, tell me some bad news/before I laugh and act like a fool?" Ha ha! That'd be funny. You're all right, Fred." -Matt Casarino
"Behind Blue Eyes--Limp Bizkit--Not only did they make a horrible version of a great song, the middle sounds like time my sister got a See 'N Say caught in her hair--"The Cow Says Moorrrowrrrowowrrrowooo" - William Kiessling
Stairway to Heaven - by Dolly Parton
Wow! Here's another one that just pains me to include on the list because I think Dolly Parton is one of the most amazing singer/songwriters that's ever lived, but what the hell was she thinking taking on this uncoverable song? Nobody could do this song justice, and her sappy bluegrass arrangement is almost unbearable to listen to.
Every Breath You Take - Puff Daddy
Puff Daddy or whatever you want to call him reveals himself as the biggest dork in music history with this awful reworking of The Police classic to pay tribute to his buddy Notorious B.I.G. The video alone is one of the most ridiculous ever made. What was the point of showing him wipe out on a motorcycle repeatedly? And the new off meter lyrics are sloppy as hell, with such creative elements as rhyming "pray for you" with "pray for you." At least this song give us all hope that we're going to Heaven when we die, because if Biggie's there, you know damn well they'll take just about anyone. You know Diddy's really sad about his friend dying, by looking at the way he's dancing around in a giant golden shower at the end of the song.
Layla (Unplugged) - by Eric Clapton
Sorry, Eric. You're a guitar god and one of the greatest musicians that's ever walked the earth, but you totally cut the balls off of one the most rocking, beautiful, and anguish filled rock songs with this acoustic cover. It's the equivalent of Robert Plant and Jimmy Page doing a kazoo version of "Stairway to Heaven". When I think of "Layla" I think of Goodfellas. I think of a song to steal George Harrison's wife with. This take reminds me of riding a unicorn across a rainbow bridge while a gentle breeze of cotton candy blows through the air. And every dick with an acoustic guitar and a camcorder has to put their take of the unplugged version of YouTube now as a result!
Can a guy cover his own song? That's arguable, but I believe this to be the work of an shape shifter that kidnapped the real Clapton.
I'm sorry to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth with this whole thing, so rinse it clean with this gorgeous live version of "Layla" as it's supposed to be played.
Subject: 12 of The Worst Cover Songs 
Sun May 11, 2008 1:44 am
